Savasana

My mind has been in a slow motion haze since Christmas - thoughts that blindly float about, and an ungrounding dissociation that forces me to clench my hands into a fist to remind myself I am here and now. It’s obvious to me why my psyche and body have joined forces to freeze up. My daughters dad is back in town. My life is topsy-turvy once again. I have to make way for an alien-man in my house so he can spend time with his kids - and so that I can have some relief and support over Viv’s winter break - a little time for yoga classes, solo grocery store visits, laying in bed watching a Michael Fassbender show, staying out until 4am on New Years Eve.

But it's mind-bending to open up my home and have us four all spend time in it together - a bizarre modern family that I don’t feel quite ready for. The home that he left high and dry, not looking back for even a moment. The home my dad so sweetly and beyond generously bought for us when I was five months pregnant with Vivi. The home he saunters back into after some time away while I accidentally cannot stop being too nice and cannot stop making too much small talk about things that used to make us laugh. Why do I do that?